Psychologist's Advice on Attachment

Attachment (Eng. attachment) – a positive, usually strong and long-lasting emotional bond that includes dependency and ensures a sense of security between individuals (Bagdonas and Bliumas, 2019). Other authors (Lahousen et al., 2019) define attachment as a relationship in which the attachment figure is used as a secure base during distress and a foundation for exploring the world. Attachment signifies the emotional connection between two people – an inner state characterized by identification, love for another person, and the desire to be together (Feeney, 2016).

The attachment theory was developed by Bowlby (1960, 1969, 1973, 1979, 1980) and Ainsworth (1969, 1989). This theory is most often associated with Bowlby, who analyzed how the emotional bond between an infant and the primary caregiver is formed and the consequences of separation from the attachment object. Ainsworth et al. (2005) expanded the boundaries of the attachment concept by describing the attachment process during the first years of life and examining individual differences in attachment. Ainsworth (1989) stated that in childhood, parents often function as primary attachment figures. However, as children reach adolescence and young adulthood, they begin to rely more on friends and romantic partners to satisfy attachment needs. Ainsworth (1969) describes the attachment relationship between a child and the mother as one of the most important connections established and maintained throughout life. She calls all these connections affective bonds. An affective bond is a relatively long-lasting connection where the partner is important because they are irreplaceable. These connections are characterized by the need to maintain closeness, sadness due to unexplained separation, joy and pleasure upon reunion, and grief over the loss of an important person. Affective bonds can connect a child with a mother, a child with a father, a pair of sexual partners, siblings, close friends, as well as a client and a therapist. Early attachment experiences and the type of attachment established during them determine the emotional regulation system and the nature of later relationships. In summary, although attachment theory was initially focused on a child's attachment to a caregiver, it later became a fundamental theory for analyzing not only adult romantic but also sexual relationships.

Parents indirectly model ways of emotional regulation, directly respond to a child's emotions, help recognize, internalize, and understand them, assist in calming down, and teach ways to regulate emotions. Thus, the child learns that everyone experiences emotions, emotions are not dangerous, emotions can be recognized by parents, and they help regulate them, and other people can be trusted. However, insecure attachment can arise due to overly young, inexperienced, and knowledge-lacking parents, parental depression, parental dependencies, physical and emotional neglect, lack of supervision, violence, traumatic experiences (e.g., loss of a father), and the instability of the attachment figure (nanny, parents, grandparents). Like early attachment, adult attachment quality can also vary. Four attachment types have been distinguished: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful avoidant. In contemporary attachment theory and research, individual differences in attachment are understood in terms of attachment avoidance and attachment-related anxiety:

• Secure attachment (Eng. secure attachment) is characterized by individuals whose relationships are not marked by anxiety and avoidance. They are autonomous, seek relationships with others, trust themselves and others, believe that the world and other people are safe, feel secure when others are close to them, believe that others will be attentive and respect their desires and feelings, can communicate flexibly and openly with others, feel, believe that the other will be available when needed, are attentive to the emotions and thoughts of others, can manage their emotions, feel they can control life, relationships, and arising stress.
• Anxious attachment (Eng. preoccupied attachment) is marked by individuals with high anxiety and low avoidance. They perceive themselves negatively and others positively. Such individuals are overly concerned and dependent on relationships. They need constant confirmation from others that they are valued. They also need strong emotional connections, as even the slightest distancing of another person makes them feel insecure and worthless. They may be irritable, anxious, seek others' attention to feel complete, pursue relationships at any cost, see relationships as a process that requires demanding attention, feel hopeless when sensing a threat of being left, provoke the other's attention, and have a belief that they do not influence others' behavior.
• Avoidant attachment (Eng. dismissing attachment) is characterized by individuals with high avoidance and low anxiety. They perceive themselves positively and others negatively. The need for intimacy is satisfied or replaced by self-exaltation and complete autonomy, they claim that others are unnecessary and unimportant to them. Eventually, these individuals truly become indifferent to those around them, deny experiencing grief, and minimize the importance of close relationships. They strictly control emotions, devalue emotional experiences, limit their need for closeness, are independent, self-sufficient, do not know how to reach others, yet feel a deep (often negative, repressed) desire for a relationship.
• Fearful avoidant attachment (Eng. fearful attachment) is marked by individuals experiencing high anxiety and avoidance. They perceive themselves and others negatively. Although there is a need for social connections, a huge fear based on negative beliefs about themselves and others forces them to avoid any closeness and intimacy. Characterized by features of both previously mentioned (anxious and avoidant) attachment types, role changes persist, aggressive, frightening, unable to manage their and others' emotions, demonstrating self-aggression (self-harm), distrusting others, relationships seem unpredictable, threatening, and capable of causing pain.

These last three attachment types (anxious, avoidant, and fearful avoidant) are collectively called insecure attachment. Although researchers claim that attachment type remains relatively stable throughout life, attachment style can change over time. If a person with insecure attachment is in secure, caring relationships, their sense of security increases. Conversely, if a person with secure attachment is in destructive relationships, experiences trauma, etc., their sense of security decreases. Feeling more secure can be achieved by exploring one's feelings in relationships, trying to understand how this feeling may have formed and what it might depend on, communicating one's needs and feelings to another person, seeking awareness in relationships and assessing how much the feeling and need are about me (my personal responsibility), how much it is about the other person (e.g., their disappearance, violence), having a gentle internal dialogue and, of course, maintaining a consistent secure relationship, which can also be a therapeutic relationship.

The connection between therapy and attachment type is highly significant, as attachment types are often explored and modified in a therapeutic environment. Here's how therapy and attachment types are linked:

1. Understanding attachment type: therapy often begins with evaluating an individual's attachment type. Therapists use this understanding to learn about clients' emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the origins of their emotional challenges. Attachment type assessment helps therapists tailor their approach to specific client needs.
2. Exploring early experiences: during therapy, clients can explore and process early experiences to learn how their attachment type was formed and how it affects their current relationships and emotional well-being.
3. Healing past wounds: clients with insecure attachment types (whether anxious, avoidant, or fearful avoidant) may have unresolved past issues that impact their current relationships and mental health. Therapy provides a safe space to identify and heal these past wounds, leading to safer and healthier attachment patterns.
4. Safe base: in therapy, the therapist can serve as a safe base, similar to a secure attachment figure, allowing the client to explore their thoughts, emotions, and past traumas. This safe base can help clients develop a more secure attachment type when therapeutic relationships are supportive and consistent.
5. Developing secure attachment: therapists work with clients to help them create more secure attachment patterns. This may involve learning to trust others, expressing emotions healthily, setting boundaries, and enhancing self-esteem.
6. Addressing attachment-related issues: clients with attachment-related issues, such as fear of intimacy, jealousy, dependency, or avoidance of emotional closeness, can work with a therapist to identify and overcome these challenges. Therapists can offer strategies and tools for exploring relationships more effectively and behaving more constructively within them.
7. Improving relationships: attachment types significantly impact close, romantic, and intimate relationships, as well as interpersonal relationship dynamics. Therapy can help people with insecure attachment types communicate more constructively, resolve conflicts, and build healthier, more satisfying relationships.
8. Self-awareness and emotional regulation: therapy can enhance self-awareness and emotional regulation, which are essential skills for changing attachment type. Clients learn to recognize and manage their emotions and reactions more effectively, leading to healthier relationships.

In summary, therapy and attachment type are closely related, as therapy provides a favorable environment for exploring and changing attachment patterns. It helps individuals understand the origins of their attachment type, heal past wounds, and establish and maintain healthier and safer relationships. Therapists play a crucial role in guiding clients through this process, supporting and facilitating personal growth and change.

It is suggested that therapeutic relationships should last at least one year, with weekly meetings, to allow for experiential attachment type correction. However, it is often recommended to attend therapy for 2-3 years, and sometimes even longer. The speed and effectiveness of the therapeutic process depend on the attachment style, the client's involvement and efforts, and the complexity of the client's problems. Even when experiential correction is achieved and the client reaches a more secure attachment, it is recommended to continue therapy to solidify and maintain that change.

Therefore, I invite you to come for an initial consultation, during which you will have the opportunity to get to know me, and if you find me suitable, we can discuss and continue therapeutic work to achieve the changes you desire and need.

Additional recommendations:

• If you are interested in this topic and want to explore it further, you can purchase D. P. Heller's book "The Power of Attachment".
• You can take a virtual test to find out your attachment type (test in English). Access via the internet: https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/
• You can take a short paper test in Lithuanian with psychologist Nikol, which will help determine your attachment type.
• Start attending therapy, where you will have the opportunity to clarify your attachment type, explore it, and change it to secure attachment.

To register for a medical psychologist consultation, you can do so by clicking this link.